I’m not offended if you remember my miscarriage.
I’m not offended if you ask about it.
I’m not offended if you are curious about what losing a pregnancy is like, or if you are just wondering how I am doing with it right now.
I had a friend ask me at work today if it would be okay to add me to the group of moms for her Mother’s Day project.
“Would it offend you if I added you?” She asked.
“No,” I smiled, “That actually means a lot.”
I’ve seen that fear in people before... that fear of “offending” or hurting me by reminding me of a painful past event. In a sense I understand that fear. What if I say the wrong thing or go too far with this? Will I just hurt them more?
I would venture to say that many women who have experienced a loss are more offended by friends and family’s silence rather than their remembering. In remembering, there is something sacred. It’s like a little window that a friend has opened into our house of grief. Remembering that I lost a baby and reaching out to me about it doesn’t sting my heart like ripping off the bandage on a deep wound; instead it shows me that someone loves me enough to look into my pain and say “I see you in there... and I care about You.”
Grieving is tricky. I don’t pretend that every woman responds the same way that I do to loss. Some moms may get offended at “reminders”, I have yet to meet one though. More often than not the women I have come across who have dealt with this just want to be acknowledged... but they feel guilty asking for it. (How do you share the inner hopes, dreams, and anguish you experienced losing your child if everyone else never got to bond with him or her like you did?)
Asking a mother about her loss doesn’t “remind her that her baby died”—she remembers that more than anyone. Sometimes she feels like she is the ONLY one that remembers. If you remember too—it shows that you DO acknowledge her, and her child, that she deeply loves and misses terribly.
I don’t want this post to sound like I am desperate for validation. (Though sometimes I am.) I just want people to know that their remembering, even in small ways, means a lot to me and to the other loss moms out there. If you are thinking about reaching out to a grieving mom but are too afraid of “offending” her by bringing up her loss, reach out anyway. Error on the side of being TOO caring rather than being perceived as just another person that doesn’t care to connect. That simple acknowledgement may be something she desperately needs.
-RNM
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