Hello my sweet Baby.
It's been a while since I have written one of these "blog-letters" to you. Believe it or not I almost went through the morning without remembering what day it was! Silly mom. To be honest, I was hurting this morning, but it was a pretty selfish reason for the pain.
I was thinking about a pregnancy announcement I had seen recently--a beautiful, vibrant couple with a beautiful, vibrant announcement. I was angry that it wasn't me and your daddy in that picture, with that wonderful news to share with the world. I'm sorry Butterfly... I didn't mean to be jealous on your birthday.
Three. You are three. How can you be three already?! My baby is getting so old. I can't even remember what I did for my third birthday. I think maybe that was the one that was "kite themed"... but maybe that was when I was 4? I don't know... that was a long time ago. I wonder what we would do if you were here today? I wouldn't have worked this morning, that's for sure. I would have had the whole day off to spend with my special little one.
Gah! I always bawl my eyes out when I write these. Maybe that's why I don't do it very often. The other two letters are a lot more poetic than this one. Maybe I'm losing my touch, or maybe I just wanted a more "casual" letter this time.
Dang I miss you.
You know... I didn't really start crying today until I started writing this. For a long while the grief just sat like a stone in my stomach, making me feel sick, but refusing to break into tears. I think writing is the way my heart speaks the truth. When I try to talk about you I feel all fumbly--like I struggle to piece together what I want to say. Also people don't really know how to respond... I mean, how can they? I tell them "I have a baby in heaven" and the conversation instantly becomes deeper... and semi-awkward.
It's not like I am ashamed of you; but how can I explain in a few simple sentences how much your short little life both filled me with inexpressible joy and pain? How can I show them that it's okay, that I'm okay; that you left a hole in my heart, but that God is doing great things with even that aching empty space?
He has already blessed me today. Blessings I don't deserve that can only have come from Him. A friend saved my "birthday present"--a little butterfly necklace--to give to me today as a gift to remember you. One of my favorite musicians (Josh Garrels) released a new single today called "Butterfly". I've received some long hugs, some good talks; I've had time to just think, and hurt, and be amazed at how the time has flown away.
I can grasp at "What if's" and "Could have beens" all day, but if nothing else I am just so thankful to be your momma. God has created a beautiful story for your daddy and I. Our marriage is so strong and we love each other more and more each day. And though there are days that I just miss you, I am so glad that God has you--what more could a mother want for her children than for them to know and love God? That is all you have ever known and all you ever will.
Happy birthday, my darling. Miss and love you.
-Your Momma.
#miscarriage #lossmom #miscarriageduedate #butterfly #miscarriagemomma #stillamother #Godisgood #blightedovum