This isn’t the happiest of posts, but it’s an important one.
In this broken world we live in, sometimes things happen that we don’t know how to fix. When our family or friends lose a baby, it can be difficult to know what to say or do to offer them comfort.
When I lost Butterfly, there were people who were in my life that offered what little they had to give during the hardest days following our loss. Even though their gifts couldn’t fix the pain completely, it did help to know that I had friends that would draw near to me at the lowest point in my life. Their gestures of kindness, even though small, are things that I remember and cherish.
A couple people have asked me what they could do for a friend or family member that has lost a baby. This list I want to share with you are a few ideas; though not an exhaustive list, I hope to offer you several resources and ideas of ways you can offer comfort to that grieving momma in your life.
Cards are a pretty general gift to give someone to tell them that you are thinking of them; but The Noble Paperie has some of the prettiest cards specialized for those hard situations of mothers facing the loss of a child. As I have connected with loss moms online, I have come across several small businesses that offer comfort to women who have experienced stillbirth and pregnancy loss. Many of these are owned by beautiful women who have experienced these types of loss in their own lives. The Noble Paperie is one of these companies that I fell in love with as soon as I found it. Created by a fellow loss mom, TNP features beautiful, heartfelt cards specialized for women who have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, NICU stay, infertility, adoption, and other pregnancy and parenting issues. All the designs were created by the founder, and she also has started offering a line of button pins that have special messages on them. I have her “Still a Mother” and “Still a Daddy” set for Sam and I. TNP also has an AMAZING “Care Library” with a list of articles, books, gift ideas, etc. that you should totally check out!
Homemade cards are also very thoughtful and let's a grieving mom know you put some time into making something especially for her. Make sure you include a personal message, but don't worry about saying anything really fancy, just stick to simple--but meaningful--condolences.
2.) COMFORT FOOD + DRINKS
A couple days after I lost my baby, a friend from church brought over some chocolate cake for me. I knew she didn’t know what else to do, but I just remember her thoughtfulness being so special to me. A home cooked meal, some chocolate, or some tea or coffee can go a long way.
3.) SELF-CARE ITEMS
Grief can cause someone to sink into apathy. C.S. Lewis says: “...No one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job—where the machine seems to run on much as usual—I loathe the slightest effort.”
Self-care items like lotion, handmade soap, or your favorite roll-on blend if you do essential oils can help someone know that you care for them in a time when they have a hard time caring for themselves.
4.) BOOKS + JOURNALS
There are some very helpful books and devotionals out there about grieving and pregnancy loss. If your friend is a reader or writer, she may want something that she can process her experiences through—whether that’s through someone else’s thoughts or her own. I have not read all of these books, but I have been suggested many of these, (and the Noble Paperie’s care library suggests more books if you are interested).
General:
- About What was Lost by Multiple writers, Jessica Berger Gross, editor
- It's Okay that You're Not Okay by Megan Divine
-There Was Supposed to be a Baby by Catherine Noblitt Keating
Christian-based:
- A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
- Grace Like Scarlett by Adriel Booker
- Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb
5.) PERSONALIZED GIFTS
Gifts with a little personalized touch can be very meaningful—but they kind of depend on how well you know the friend you are giving them to. Maybe this person named the baby they lost, or has some sort of symbol or item that reminds them of their baby. For example: We named our little one we lost to miscarriage Butterfly; and now many of my friends and family give me butterfly-themed gifts or mementos in honor of her. Personalized Christmas ornaments, “Still a Mother” T-shirts, customized keychains with encouraging messages, something with her baby’s name on it, etc. There are so many options out there that can be special if you know the tastes of the mother and what she holds sentimental value in..
6.) YOUR TIME
Probably the most important thing on this list, is just being willing to give your time to just be with someone as they grieve. Initially, when the pain is fresh, your grieving friend may not wish to interact with anyone. But after the rawness of the loss has subsided a little, the mother may want--or need--someone to just be there and listen. Usually, if a loss mom has trusted you enough to share her story with you, she is also trusting that you won’t try to give her unsolicited advice. Let her cry, let her vent; try to empathize with her as much as you can.
Also, keep up with how she is doing in the weeks and months to come. You don’t have to be constantly asking her about her loss, but as best as you can, try to remember important dates and anniversaries that are significant to your friend. Let them know you are thinking of them on Mother’s Day and how important their friendship is to you. (Also if you say that you’ll be praying for her ACTUALLY do it! It’s really easy to forget). Don’t assume that just because the initial wave of grieving is moving on that they have forgotten about it. Your friend will be appreciative to know that you are thinking and praying for them as time passes.
