It's Been a Moment, Let's Chat!

I knew this was a risk in starting a new blog a couple years ago... staying consistent with things like this doesn't always happen the way I hope they will. A lot has changed for all of us in 2020 and throughout the first half of this year. Instagram has often become my 'mini blog' where I share a lot of my thoughts and things that are going on in the Miller household. I figured it was about time that I updated y'all with a little longer post some things that have happened and have been going on since our world imploded on itself.

Last year was a hard year--in more ways than one. I found myself commenting on the irony with: "Why do I have to have such a bad year when everyone else is having one too?"

Probably one of the biggest things that happened last year was the unexpected loss of our baby that we thought we had miscarried in December of 2019. I've talked about Matthias on almost every platform I have except this one. I look back on my post "The Story of Loss #2 (and How I'm Doing)" and I see just how much we still didn't know at the time. Part of me hurts when I think back on all the different signs I had that he was still there and still alive for another month and a half--but not realizing that until he was already gone is just such a crazy, wild ride. Someday I may write out a simple version of his birth story to share on here, but that will have to wait for another day. Since that time, we have been grieving and missing our little boy (who would've been a little over 8 months now, had he stayed.)

Butterfly's 5th birthday is coming up here on the 17th of May and it boggles my mind that we have been loss parents for half a decade now. Sometimes I just finds myself asking: 'where did the time go, and when will it be our turn to have babies that don't go to heaven early?'

Along those lines, we are still not sure what the future--as far as growing our family--will look like. After losing M, I felt adamantly that we needed to get some tests done and check off a few things before I felt ready to try again. Last month I had some blood labs done to see if I had diabetes, some autoimmune/blood clotting disorders, and/or issues with my Karyotype (genetic abnormalities).

All the tests have returned to us as normal.

This puts us in a weird state of mind where we are unsure about continuing further testing, or just trying again and hoping for the best. There are just so many things that could be wrong; and for a long time I was convinced that there MUST be something wrong with me, but now... I'm wondering if it just wasn't the right time before.

More often than not, I am just struck with how I struggle with giving up control of our outcomes. It's so hard to believe that sometimes things like this just happen, without any deeper root cause driving it forward. There are some other things we could check out before we decide to try again, but how much will we need to test before we maybe find what we are looking for? I'm also trying to remember that even if we 'do everything right' and fix all our problems, there is never any real guarantees on how the future will turn out. We could do everything right and still lose another baby. I've caught myself turning over and over to the idol of Knowledge to try to equip myself better for next time.

although it is okay to learn more information about these kinds of things, it's hard not to trust that that will give me more control over the end results. I keep finding myself having to return to that place of humility before God and ask for His patience with my restless heart.

Another big thing that happened last year is that our job situation changed drastically. After his anticlimactic graduation in May, Sam got hired as a full-time substitute at Union Colony Charter School. It's been so interesting having him be on salary for the first time in our married life. What started out as a 'Jack of all trades' position where he would sub for any class needing coverage turned into a semi-permanent math teacher position for the rest of the school year. As an art major, Sam is not /loving/ the math biz so much, but he does the best he can in these unprecedented times. I've really admired him for doing as well as he does after being ushered into a position that he had to take on last-minute.

Things changed for me too when I decided to quite my job of nearly 5 years at Chick-fil-A to move on to something new. I found a part-time job at the Good Samaritan Society as a nutritional assistant (which is just a fancy name for food service.) GSS is a care facility for senior living. We have all levels of care from more independent living to high-needs individuals. I've really loved getting to know some of the precious residents and see them every time I serve breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

Right now we are looking into what options for jobs Sam will have in the Fall, and trying to trust that God will lead us where He wants us. We don't know if that will include moving away from Greeley or staying just yet, but we are open to wherever that may be.

Some small things that have changed in our world are:

1. Sam published his first webcomic called "Castle Inc." Following the adventures of an adorable little knight and his struggles finding a job. You can read the comic for free on Webtoons if you follow this link.

2. I chopped off a whopping 14 inches of hair to donate to Wigs for Kids after growing it out for nearly 4-5 years. I think back to my last 'real' haircut (excluding trims and touch ups) that was in October of 2015 right after we lost our first baby. I grew my hair out long after that and always told myself that I would wait until something else monumental happened to commemorate an excuse to cut my lengthy locks. Finally, in January of this year I was just like: "Screw it, it's time!" And I have not regretted my decision in the slightest.

3. I've been slowly (oh, so slowly) working on a manuscript for a new fictional book that I've had in mind for a long time. I am currently 5 chapters in, and figuring out what I want to say to people about it while it is still in it's baby stages. The only real descriptions I've been giving out is that it is a story from the perspective of the 'Mentor Figure' in the world of a stereotypical 'Heroes Journey'. To explain this in simpler terms: imagine a book set in the perspective of Obi Wan Kenobi telling the story instead of Luke, or Gandalf instead of Frodo. I've been playing with a few things, and though it looks a lot different than I originally thought, I'm enjoying it so far.

There have been other things that have happened that are too hard to talk about in a simple blog post; brokenness that has hit our family very hard and left us struggling to imagine a future that is not filled with grief and loss. But through everything, the Lord has truly shown His mercy and become more real than ever before. I write that, and those words feel so arbitrary and cheesy sometimes; but those who have experienced pain and brokenness that leaves you with no hope BUT God understand what I'm talking about.

I also don't ever want people to get the impression that just because we have experienced God's immense faithfulness through trial, that it means we are not still wrestling with the pain and the trauma that has remained. There have been so many times when I am just overwhelmed with grief and anger. Worship has been very precious to me over the course of this healing journey. Sometimes the only thing that will touch this pain to it's depths is just speaking and singing truth to my soul. Joy has often felt elusive, and I often distrust moments of rest and happiness for being false. But God has given us many happy moments last year alongside the sad ones.

-In July we celebrated 6 years of marriage by going camping out in the Colorado mountains. It was so beautiful and we are convinced it needs to be an annual tradition.

-In June we attended a small wedding in Ohio for one of Sam's good friends. Getting to spend time with some old and new acquaintances was really a joy.

-In September and October we fostered a sweet little dog named Millie for a friend undergoing surgery. Millie was my little buddy and stayed just long enough while I was in-between jobs.

-In November we had a quarantine Thanksgiving with two of our friends in Colorado Springs. We all worked together and made one of the most delicious thanksgiving meals I have ever had.

-I read so many books last year and have already read/listened to 17 books in 2021!

I've started a tradition where I write down a "Month in Review" so I can remember those blessings that I lose sight of when I am bogged down with the hardships of the world. It's really been special to look back on some of the best memories that I have made over the last few years that way.

Hope this little blog finds you happy, healthy, and content.

-RNM