I am grievously cynical.
I talk a lot about sorrow and God's role in it. I know that sometimes more than "blessing" what we really need is time through a valley where we cling to God closer. I don't live under the disillusions that God just wants us to be happy all the time, I know holiness is a greater goal.
But... on the other hand, I have come to expect disappointment and hardship and to actively distrust happiness and blessing.
When things are going too good I start getting fearful and suspicious. What bad thing is going to happen to put me back in my place of hardship? I think. Bracing myself for disappointment, instead of expecting joy, has become my "out"--my way of protecting myself in case God takes me through something painful. If I expected to be hurt all along, perhaps it won't hurt quite as much as if I had got my hopes up for something good that I was never promised.
And that would be just like God to do that to me. I have thought. Because I have wanted _______ my WHOLE life, He doesn't want me to have it. So often I see disappointment as punishment for idolatry or as something I could have prevented if I hadn't cared so much about something.
So often I see disappointment as punishment for idolatry or as something I could have prevented if I hadn't cared so much about something.
So, sometimes, I stifle my desires. If I never want anything, if I never expect--or hope for something--then I won't be crushed when it doesn't pan out, right? If I never desire anything, than I won't be hurt when I don't get that I want.
But that sort of thinking is still focused on what I do, and NOT on the character of God. My "trust" in His work through sorrow isn't based on true TRUST in His wanting my good; it is a cynical resigning to a fate that is out of my control, but one I will have to suffer through regardless.
I have a feeling this isn't the kind of life or trust God wants for me! Why is it so hard to trust that His plan for my life is BETTER than what I could plan for myself? Why can't I see that happiness IS the goal? A happiness and joy in the character of a God in whose "presence there is fullness of joy..." and at His hand, "are pleasures forevermore"? [Psalm 16:11] Why is my view of Him so small, and my cynicism so large that I cannot get past my own fears to see that He is worth all the earthly disappointments I could ever face?
As always, the answer is having MORE of Him. And not just in the false: "Well, I suppose I will try and see if it does anything", sort of way, but actually knowing Him. Knowing His character, His heart, His love for me--soaking it in so it melts past my hardened shell of self-defense. Letting Him into that room, locked away, where the scared, vulnerable part of me is still resisting letting go of control. What will He do with my dreams and desires if I let Him take them over?
Trust. Trust Him.
It's going to be Good.
-RNM
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